So, I just got done watching "Dragonball: Evolution." First of all, I'd like to point out that I am not a severe DB otaku. I more or less like DBZ, and could take or leave DragonBall itself alone. That said, I think trunks is sexy and I still to this day have no idea how Goku got laid and had kids. My head hurts just thinking about it.

Now, my friend Chris introduced me to the Japanese version of Dragonball Z and subsequently DragonBall. While he enjoys shuffling around to the fight scenes, I did insist he show me things in a mostly linear order so I know who these people are and why I should care about them. So, I'm pretty familiar with the overall story of Dragon Ball/Z/GT. Although it may be a 'kid's cartoon' to Japanese audiences, the original Dragonball has the raunchiest sense of humor compared to the later series. It's also a comedy at heart, with action thrown in. The overblown fight scenes and exaggerated facial expressions really sell this point and make it marketable to a younger target audience. While most Anime contains certain characteristics which include a healthy or unhealthy sense of humor, I must bring this up because DragonBall Evolution claims to be an adaptation of DragonBall, to bring it to a new audience.

Honestly, if DBE was my first taste of DragonBall, I would have left it in the dust. Where do I begin with the inaccuracies?

Goku - Goku is an alien, a Saiyajin (Saiyan) who was sent to wipe out the human race to prepare the planet to be sold to some alien overlords who probably destroyed their planet. While the purpose isn't essentially known in the DB series itself, Goku has a tail (missing in DBE) that allows him to transform into Ozaru (giant monkey form) when he looks at A full moon (not a solar eclypse). His personality can be summed up in two words - laid back. Something DBE Goku is anything but. To expand on this, he's exceedingly naive in the anime, since he was raised in seclusion by his adoptive grandfather Gohan who he later names his son after. In fact, Bulma was the first woman he'd ever seen.

Truthfully, if I were writing a DB live action adaptation, I too would have killed Gohan off (though he was already dead by the start of the manga/anime) as a motivation for Goku to follow Bulma on her quest for the Dragon Balls.

There are a couple moments in the movie where Goku acts like he would in the anime/manga. For example, Chichi is fighting a clone of herself and the clone asks Goku for help. He instantly goes to her aid only to find out he knocked out the wrong one. But the moment is ruined by the fact that Goku, especially early in the manga, would never hurt/touch a female out of respect drilled into him by his grandfather. Similarly, Mai (Who is a servant of Lord Pilaf's in the Manga) hits Goku square in the jaw and he doesn't flinch, but the moment is ruined by Goku retaliating and hitting her just after that.

Bulma actually does have a gun in the beginning of the anime and does use it on Goku... actually, she shoots him, sends him flying back, and then is terrified when the "kid" gets up like nothing happened. She then convinces Goku to be her bodyguard. In the movie, she shoots AT but doesn't hit Goku and he easily is convinced to join her because of shoddy plot devices.

Now, Chichi is actually a martial artist, so that part is correct. But Goku and chichi were fairly young at the beginning of DragonBall, and in my opinion, should have been played by younger actors. They could have grown up in the sequel, because they do grow up in the Manga.

Master Roshi - With all due respect, you are not an effing Airbender. I'm demanding retribution to go to Nickelodeon's pocket. And while you're ripping off animes I suppose now's as good a time as any to mention that one of the opening lines in the movie (by grandpa Gohan) is "The first rule is, there are no rules." Dude, this is not Ranma 1/2 and Goku is not a student of the Anything Goes Martial Art school.

But back to Roshi. He is an old bearded man who doesn't look much like a fighter and has an extreme perverted streak in him. While the perverted streak is mentioned and offers a couple tidbits of humor in the movie, it's nothing compared to what he's capable of in the manga. The movie gives us a clean shaved Chow Yun Fat. while he doesn't exactly look the part of an ancient master, he does have one of the more animated performances and gives about the only chuckles you'll get out of this movie.

Still, when he trained Goku in the manga, he taught him the Kamehameha (which is named after a Hawaiian king, but broken down into Japanese, Kame means turtle and ha is wave. So Turtle Wave is the root of the Kamehameha). Roshi was simply dumbfounded that Goku was able to learn and master it "So quickly" when it took him "years and years" to perfect. He called it an "Airbending" technique and the damned thing can not only LIGHT FIRES but it can HEAL people in the movie... What the hell... Were they out of Senzu beans?

Last I knew, according to every time I've seen a Kamehameha used in the Manga/Cartoon... Something has blown up, someone has died, been seriously injured, or laughed because it tickled they were so dang powerful it didn't hurt them.

Yamcha also appears in the movie and is treated with equal disrespect. He and Bulma both have similar situations. Both of them are opportunists who are exceedingly nervous around the opposite sex. Because of this, their great wish for the dragon balls is to be more confident around said opposite sex. I don't mind actually, that they made him blond. One problem with a lot of Akira's Dragon Ball characters is the black hair makes them somewhat indistinguishable from each other, so excuse me if I actually don't mind that for a minute. And I haven't even really gotten to reviewing the movie yet... lol... But anyway... In the Movie, Goku is the girl shy one and is fantasizing about chichi in class (........) and Yamcha has absolutely no problem being an opportunist and comes off as an asshole. Even with a totally forced romance with him and Bulma, my interest isn't up and his pants won't be coming down.

Several sidekick staples also got thrown to the dogs in this movie. There is a complete absense of Krillin, Puar and Oolong. I suppose I can kind of understand because 2/3 of them would have to be CG, but Krillin is practically a brother to Goku even long after he becomes the weakest link second only to Chichi, and that's provided she doesn't have a frying pan in hand. But I suppose they didn't want to explain a bald noseless teen with tattooed dots on his head. I suppose that means Tien and Choutzu won't be appearing any time soon either. They should just thank Kami they didn't have their characters assassinated.

Now onto "Lord Piccolo" aka. Piccolo Daimyo - This is the big fish and the first part of the movie to stink big time. I'm not going to criticize his appearance too harshly because he is green and he is old, this is true. "But what about Piccolo in DBZ? He's young and sexy even if he is assexual!" Well, for those who never saw DB, Piccolo Daimyo/Piccolo-san is actually concentrated evil that Kami decided to remove from his body physically.

Piccolo-Daimyo did get sealed with the Mafuba, so they got that right, but he wasn't imprisoned no two thousand years. He was also a villain toward the END of the DB run. When Goku defeated him, and left a gaping hole in his chest, he somehow managed to spit out an egg which would eventually hatch into the badass Piccolo that everybody loves and is currently keeping the idiots in hell in line. <3 I'll skip the gaping plothole of how he was able to regurgitate an egg out his mouth like a yoshi when his midsection was destroyed as I really don't want to get into Namekian reproductive methods.

The first time we see Lord Piccolo act in DBEvolution, he's wearing a cloak and acts like a Sith Lord (Star Wars junkies, I give you permission to sue over this one too) and though they'll say it's ki, he "used the force" to kill Gohan. Way to be original guys...

Also, since he is asexual, it makes absolutely no sense that Mai (one of Pilaf's minions) would be so "devoted" to him. If she's looking to get laid, she is going to be sorely disappointed. And seriously, anyone watching DragonBall/Z/GT will realize that the only characters with hormones are the second generation of Saiyans (Trunks/Gohan etc) who'd even WANT to get laid. All that's on their mind is fighting for world domination or the sake of the planet, depending on your alliance.

Well, now that most of the character assassinations and plagiarisms are taken care of, let's get down to the story itself....

It begins with Goku being trained by his grandfather. That's not bad, and there's an expected martial arts sequence shown. Skipping ahead a little, Goku wants to get a girl, specifically Chichi, who he has the hots for. He heads to school on a bike, and not a sexy one really. Goku's bike is run over by some bullies and all he can do is exchange words with them. Wow. Just what I think of when I think of Dragon Ball.

Well, actually, Goku would have been a little surprised. I could see him saying "HEY! That's my bike!" the guys laughing and saying "not any more it isn'T!" and then Goku simply flips their car over with one hand,possibly one finger, grabs his bike out and bends it back into shape with his bare hands. Seriously. AND THEY HARASS HIM AGAIN LATER!

Skipping ahead, Gohan dies and Goku has to defend the four star dragon ball because Lord Piccolo is back.... Okay, you expect me to buy that he was sealed by the mafuba, but you don't give me any indication of how he actually broke out. I suppose it's not real big, but, they went to the trouble to create a prop that's supposed to be the vessel that holds Piccolo captive. If we at least saw Mai touch the vessel in some remote location, that would be something... but no...

Piccolo's seen above the clouds (I guess?) and throws some energy down toward Earth (Again, I'm gessing, the edit is very ambiguous on this point) and then Mai's threatening some Asian lady in a village I'm assuming Piccolo's minions are attacking in order to get another dragon ball. The dialogue (what little of it there is) is of no purpose and the woman is presumably killed by Mai and we didn't even see if they had a dragon ball. Which makes that scene entirely pointless because Piccolo killing Gohan is the only death he causes first hand that makes any plot related sense.

Goku gets to redeem his sissyness and does bring those bullies to their knees in a Hollywood mandated action scene that destroys a car. Whoop-de-dee.

After he senses Grandpa is dead (on his birthday no less, how terribly cliché, he retrieves the 4star dragon ball and then we meet Bulma. I already mentioned some deviations with her. At least they did give her one strand of color in her hair to throw the fans a bone, but it's more or less an insult to our intelligence. Her motive for being a bitch is that the "Prometheus orb" (which is what she knows the dragon balls as) was stolen from her father's laboratory and several guards were killed. I guess this isn't a job for the police. Well, Goku convinces her that she needs his help because someone else is after the balls. Umm... way to reverse things. After stealing a transformer and their sound effect (Okay, the capsule expansion was kinda cool) the two finally start their adventure.

They meet Master Roshi, blah blah, Goku and Roshi fight, blah blah... Roshi tries teaching Goku "airbending" ki technique Kamehameha (which should technically be water element if anything.) I noticed that when Roshi uses the kamehameha, it's read. It also LIGHTS FIRES and HEALS people (yellow). And Goku can't do it right away.... Expected psychological crap inserted here.

Chichi motivates Goku with the promise of close physical proximity. At the end of the scene, Goku uses his ki to blow OUT the candles in the room, which is probably the first smart thing the movie's done if not for the fact I'm deducting 10 points for the fire starting with an air technique and implied sexual situation.

Goku, Roshi and Bulma eventually fall into a pit and Roshi recaps just what we already knew about the movie after Yamcha offers to get them out. (Were they so cheap they couldn't have at least hooked a real cat up to a harness and levetated him nearby? You could photoshop the strings away....... Puar where are you??). This is another plothole, as Goku should have Nimbus at this point (the cloud that only lets the pure of heart on, though after he's lusted after Chichi the way he did maybe Nimbus wouldn't want him) and even if he didn't, he could JUMP out. Hey, white saiyans can jump.

I can't say much about Piccolo using his blood to create his genetic minions rather than asexual egg production... basically they have a fight scene at a volcano. Suspend your disbelief once again as Goku uses the dead bodies of Piccolo Daimyo's followers as a bridge across said Lava. This stroke of genius is actually something Goku could come up with, as long as you accept him not getting burnt to a crisp by the molten lava to begin with.

Eventually Piccolo manages to snag all the balls, but needs to go to a special place to summon Shenlon ... which is retarded. And they have to do a ceremony. And it gives Goku and buddies enough time to steal more Transformers material and make off with one of the balls. Umm yeah.

So then the plot device steps in, and there is a blood moon (?) solar eclipse. THAT changes Goku into his Ozaru form despite his not having a tail. Okay, the special effect on that's fine... but Goku's too small. His Ozaru form is supposed to be King Kong on steroids, and... we don't get that. He kills Master Roshi (YAY! Mercy kill!) before coming to his senses because of his faith in himself... Umm... if you really want to defeat an Ozaru monkey, cut off his tail or destroy the moon. Oh yeah, and apparently Piccolo has control over Goku in his Ozaru form, telling him he's just a vessel and that he came by meteor to earth and on his eighteenth birthday this would happen to him.

Umm.... okay... uh... Oh, where do I begin with this plothole? Okay I know I skipped this but apparently Piccolo AND Ozaru attacked Earth and nearly wiped everything out. After Piccolo was defeated, Ozaru disappeared. Now, it's clearly stated Goku is 18 years old. Also that he came to earth riding on a comet... I'd ask how, but frankly the movie still hasn't explained how a wind technique can make fire. Was there another Saiyan that came to earth with Piccolo when he originally came to earth? And how is defeating Piccolo going to just... remove Ozaru from the equation? Ozaru would have had to have been imprisoned as well or died somehow. You just... You don't stop a Saiyan, bred for battle, by imprisoning his master, which Piccolo seems to be. And that would mean that more than one person on earth is part saiyan blood if the guy just decided to live peacefully with Humans, I don't get it. And if Goku arrived on a comet rather than in a spaceship, I'm sorry, but even Goku cannot breathe in space. Frieza taunted him about that one when Namek was going up in smoke in DBZ. And yet, Goku just happened to arrive on earth and turn into your monkey bitch? I don't think so Piccolo......

All that said, it boils down to a decisive KAMEHAMEHA from Goku, as well it should. But before he launches the signature move on the Namekian's ass, Piccolo berates him for his physical human failures. Umm... didn't you just get done telling us he's an alien?

My brain hurts. So finally, because Roshi's dead (I hear Krillin rejoicing somewhere that it wasn't him...) Goku decides to summon Shenlon to restore him... Finally some good-- Dude. that's a featherless Falcor from NeverEnding Story. Is there a movie you WON'T rip off? And oh...oh no, no gravely voice explaining your wish is my command. Goku just unnecessarily uses a long-winded summon to bring the Dragon out, and then he just breaths on Roshi and goes off.

So, everything's resolved, but Goku goes back to Chichi and they end the whole thing on a spar...
...OR DO THEY? After the credits roll, if you bothered to stay, we see an anticlimactic scene of Mai nursing Piccolo, who's eyes fly open in one of the biggest most overused pieces of cinematic expression. Seriously, I could have felt more surprised at Space Mutiny doing it or a soap opera. Uhg...


I hope the sequel gets canned, I really do. Rotten Tomatos and the Golden Raspberries need to reward this one in spades. It is an absolute travesty. The character mutiliaations are almost as bad as what 4Kids did to One Piece. Another thing is that the whole movie just takes itself way too seriously. And unlike some people, I really don't blame the actors. It's not their portrayals that are bad, it's the original producer's vision and execution.

IF it had been done right, the best thing would have been to use Lord Pilaf as an introductory villain, which is what he was. Nothing too serious, and end it on one of the Tenkaichi tournaments which litter the DB universe.

In my vision, Lord Pilaf is played by Verne Troyer aka. Mini me. He is not a fighter and a good source of comedy. He's constantly passing gas and blaming someone else then talking about manners. He's a little brat and you'd love to see him get put in his place.

As a lead in for Bulma, yes you could say that her father sent her after the Dragon Balls. I'll even buy that she invented the Dragon Radar, but deep in her heart she'd still want them so she could be more confident around men. I won't give her a gun though, though she may know basic martial arts for self defense purposes. She can also use her travels as some sort of project that will get her college credits. But I would start with her arriving in a rustic little Asian town and asking if anyone's seen any of the dragon balls (even though she has the radar). Someone would mention Master Gohan, the legendary martial artist, having one... but he hasn't been seen in town for quite a while.

In this version, Goku is homeschooled by Master Roshi, though he may have been fudging some of the paperwork, so Goku's much more adept with fighting than his ABCs. This puts him in a better mental frame for the movie already. I would have Goku played by a young-mid teenager also, and no not essentially Asian. He's an alien for crying out loud. Gohan's tried to keep him mostly secluded from society mainly because of his unbelievable strength and his Ozaru form, which is part of the town's local legends.

Upon Bulma's arrival to Gohan's estate (if you can call it that), Pilaf's minions (Okay, they can be lead by Mai) attack and try to take Gohan's dragonball by force. While Gohan and Goku are trying to fight off the badguys, Bulma gets caught in the crossfire. Gohan saves her life but at the expense of his own. With his dying breaths he sends him to look for Master Roshi.

I'm not really ripping off DBE, it's just one of the few points of the movie that's actually logical.

Goku naturally wants the Dragonball back as its his only memento of his Grandfather, and Bulma and him become allies. On their way out of the village, I suppose Krillin could make his first appearance. I'm not sure what angle to give him, but probably one of Goku's only friends if they both lived there.

I don't have too many details worked out past this point, but there would be a lot of back and forth where dragon balls get acquired and lost, which has the potential for a lot of comedy. I could even see Goku getting hit by a truck and not flinching. There's just so much potential!

I would mention the Tenkaichi tournament also in the early part of the movie, and that Gohan had won the championship several times in his younger days. This would give Goku motivation to improve and give us something to come back to later on. I'd also use it as a potential lead-in to Tao Pai Pai, who's a mercenary in the series.

Lord Pilaf is by no means a terribly frightening or threatening force, but he's throughout the entire series. He could be a source of comedy through a trilogy as bigger, badder enemies come out to play, vying for the Dragon Balls.

In the second movie, The Red Ribbon Army and its Androids would be the primary Antagonists, and I'd finally round things out with Piccolo Daimyo in the Third movie. These are the major story arcs in the DB series.

The fans and the general moviegoing public deserve better than this. I watched Forbidden Kingdom and loved it. It was a good martial arts film with good production, locations and action. The CG was well done (And I can't complain about the CG in DBE, it's one of the few good things, though expected these days) but the characters themselves were interesting. Forbidden Kingdom was another twist on "Journey to the West", which is at the core of Dragon Ball. The story has been told and retold many times, and you can make your own twists on it, honest! But this movie is so uninspired, so full of forced dialogue and relationships, so full of plot holes....

Forbidden Kingdom, used the Monkey King's Staff and had multiple people carrying it. It's supposed to be so heavy only the monkey King can handle it. Forgiving that as part of the story, especially to people who don't know it, you can still follow the movie and the characters logically through their paces. It is a completely respectful homage to the legend. The Jackie Chan and Jet Li fight was amazingly well correographed (and much more interesting than the hacked together fights in DBE) and even the fights with the two woman costars and Michal Angarano as the supposed protagonist were engaging. I do say supposed because we all know Jet and Jackie stole the show. But Michael did a wonderful job, and I am type casting him in a new category I call "Supporting Hero." Sadly, I seem to see him in movies where much bigger actors are in the limelight, even if he's supposed to be the main character. Maybe his part doesn't punch you, but he's a solid cast member.


DBE lacked good characterization even for what it did. I'm sorry I've run on so long, but I just have so much to say. Goku has been turned into a whiny angsty teenager which has become nothing more than standard Hollywood fare. You can tell when a movie is well loved by the people in it because you see genuine acting, and can even forgive some of the screwups because you know it'll be classic some day. I think that about the Tale of Despereaux. I was so glad to see an honest to God Fairy tale come back to the screen. It was believable and lovingly crafter. DBE... It... just looks like a cheap and failed attempt to cash in on Akira Toriyama's wonderful work.

I know Toriyama said he knew about, approved of, and liked it. But then again, even the people who pitched Batman Forever initially favored their work too. Maybe his attitude will shift on things, but from all the harsh criticisms I've seen, I somehow don't think the fans are quite ready to forgive this travesty.

I do have the antidote though - [link]